These all Are Status Enjoy 
- A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.
- Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No.Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
- Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
- Dear Warner Bros: Now that I’m an adult, I feel I’m am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
- Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
- Blonde and Brunette r walking on the road.brunette says “Look, a dead bird.” Blonde looks up in the sky, “WHERE, WHERE?”
- I know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling
- Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
- Would like to congratulate their parents on having such an awesome son-well done!
- When you see a man opening a car door for a woman it can only mean 1 of 2 things. Either the car is new or the wife is.
- Statistics say that 1 in 4 people are insane, so take a look at your 3 best friends and if they are all OK, its you!
- Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
- I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next“.
- A murderer was sitting on the electric chair. “Do u have any last requests?” “Yes, will u hold my
- hand?” XD
- Boy: hey dad I got a girlfriend Dad: Good job son! Girl: Hey daddy I got a boyfriend Dad: *loads shotgun*
- Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog does not own a bike!
- I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.
- Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you’re in Heaven!
- Insert coin to view status message?
- Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
- When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
- If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in jesus name amen”.
- Ques: Why do Girls live Longer Than Boys? Ans: Shopping never Causes Heart Attacks, .. But Paying the Bill does.
- Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know
- My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
- remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit
- I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
- I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
- Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- honk if you love Jesus Textwhile driving if you want to meet him.
- Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we’ll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me
- Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
- We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
- Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
- Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
- ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – Saket Narayan
- Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.
- If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?
- I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”
- Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
- believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
- I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
- Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors
- wonders why people put their relationship status as its complicated..u idiots why don’t u solve your problems instead of broadcasting them?
- never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
- I like to name my iPod “‘Titanic” so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
- *After slipping*, I did not fall. I attacked the ground!
- So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
- U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
- I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”
- Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag
- I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
- trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
- No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I’m going to assume the translation is: “Please think I’m cool.”
- It recently became apparent to me that the letters ‘T’ and ‘G’ are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.
- A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!
- A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser
- If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
- oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
- Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
- a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
- Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
- I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.
- She is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years
- Don’t waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to “i”, think of another song you like and hum that instead.
- I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
- In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
- is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
- All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
- Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
- I know the world isn’t going 2 end in 2012 coz my yogurt expires in 2013!
- I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
- Your intelligence is my Common sense!
- Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
- You don’t have to like me, I’m not a facebook status!
- If money grew on trees, girls would be dating monkeys!
- Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
- Never make eye contact while eating a banana.
- The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
- Dear math: I am not a therapist, so solve your own problems.
- What do i do when i see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile and when i get tired i put the mirror down
- 4 out of 5 urologists smell their applejuice before they drink it.
- Girls spend the first 10 years of their lifes pl Haying with barbies. The next 10 years of their lifes they try to look like one
- How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle??
- If Barbie is so popular why do have to buy all her friends?
- If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
- Trust in God but lock your car.
- Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
- Don’t waste electricity, would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
- I’m not saying you’re stupid; you just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
- wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…but suicide’s a crime.
- I wish I had Doras parents… They let that girl go everywhere!
- I got all excited when my husband said he was taking somewhere expensive tonight. 10 minutes later we were at the gas station.
I hope you'll like them :) !Feel free to rate & comment.Thanks!
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